God calls

Clayboy draws the argument in terms of broad themes vs proof-text verses.

Either/or?  Both-and?

God calls. 

God calls, the church tests, trains and ordains. 

And here I stand. 

A placeholder for the future. Neither a trail-blazer, nor a Bishop-in-waiting.  Not banging my head on a stained-glass ceiling.  'Just' a place-holder for normality, so that those who follow; those with the brilliance and the gifting, can be promoted based on their skills and gifts, and not on the presence or absence of a chromosome.

God called, and I said, "Yes". Here I stand.

God called me.  And that trumps all other arguments.

Re-hashing old arguments

OK, so in 1956 Hollywood a particular image of marriage and nuclear family life boosted the confidence of those recovering from war and discovering affluence.  As a model of society it looked pretty - but Rock Hudson was gay and Doris Day... it was an illusion, even then.

Now we are in 2010...

When, oh when, is all this nonsense going to stop?

What makes a good retreat?

24 hours of this week has been spent in the company of other clergy-women of the Diocese on a pre-Lent guided retreat. It was very well led, and became a time of calm and quiet and safe, honest, deep exploration, and meaningful encounter, and my experience was of feeling very close to the divine.  Most of the experiences were positive, and I have learned many good things - including an example of how to preach superbly without shouting or emotional manipulation; the power was in the words, and quietness was so powerful.

One of the lovely things that happened was that there wasn't any of that jokey-blokey noise that is such a feature of deanery meetings (and others).  After 20+ years working in male-dominated commerce it doesn't bother me at all, and sometimes I'll join in, but it is in the absence and the silence that I notice what is covered by it.  Except that we didn't need to cover what was not there... (food for thought).

Inevitably though, in any meaningful encounter there were shades of humanity that were less helpful, and I found myself reflecting afterwards on some conversations I had been part of where I wish, with hindsight, I had said less, or tried to divert the topic - at one point I had a sense of the vortex of water gathering before going down the plug-hole and it was coldly uncomfortable.  There was truth being told, but... sometimes it is more comfortable not to speak or hear truth - or at least to phrase it better.

The other outstanding memory from the two days was of the wisdom of my peers. Each time they opened their mouths and spoke I was assailed by the wisdom of different experiences and perspectives, and that was wonderful.  I don't think it is entirely a lack of confidence that leaves me feeling clumsy; it was very noticeable to me that my perspective is often practical and secular - my faith is such an intrinsic part of me that I don't separate out and  speak in terms of faith - my focus on the psycho-social elements of life sounds too 'outside' to me.  Among some profoundly theological arguments being presented to answer a question about resourcing ourselves my contribution was 'make sure I get enough sleep.'  In a room full of beautiful women wearing Manolo Blahnic metaphors, the best I could muster was Clarks Runabouts.

That's OK though.  I have permission to be me - sensible shoes and all.

The light shines

This morning I attended a meeting in another town with another priest, under the Diocesan Assisted Self Appriasl scheme.  This is an optional part of the Continuing Ministerial Education CME) programme, so it would be easy to avoid, especially for those whose previous experience of appraisal has always been tied to judgement.  However this is a genuinely independent review - self-directed, and with no consequences in the parish, and it is a scheme that I found extraordinarily useful, and as we only meet every 2-3 months, it is possible to fit into my schedule without feeling over-burdened.

I think I am blessed, that we have made a meaningful connection; to find someone who listens and challenges, and yet is always unremittingly supportive and joyful.  This has meant that I have been able to be very open about the rewards and struggles along the journey, and to look at other ways of doing things, different approaches to problems, different ways of seeing 'difficult' situations, ways of looking from God's perspective - and I'm sure there are always some in every post.  Today, and in our last meeting, I have felt that the relationship contains something of both of us (I do hate that feeling of being a 'client'), where our journey is shared, and where we are able to learn from each other.

God calls and guides us, directs our path and provides light and hope along the way - in Scripture, in our history and traditions, and so many other ways.  but for me, reflecting back is very helpful, and when two mirrors reflect each other, the possibilities are endless.  I think I got a glimpse of that future today.